Day 28 - Merry Christmas

Since I had to spend the 24th in the hospital, my family planned Christmas around that and we had Christmas Eve on the 23rd. A couple of friends came over, but it was essentially just our family: My brother Eduardo and his wife Andrezza, my mom Denise and my dad Roberto, my grandma Norma (who came all the way from Porto Alegre), Raquel and I.

Of course dinner was fantastic (thanks to grandma) and we had a very pleasant evening with the traditional gift exchange. I got some really nice presents, I must have behaved this year! But the best part of the evening was my gift to Raquel (although the gift was for both of us... ok, the gift was for me)...

After everyone left and my parents went to bed, I placed a big box with a Christmas card on top of it in front of the Christmas tree. The living room was lit by candles and the christmas lights from the tree. I made a trail of rose petals from my room to the Christmas tree and text messeged Raquel: "Do you want your present? Follow the roses"

As she left the room, I had David Gray's "This years love" playing on the stereo and she found her way to the big box. She picked it up and read the card. When she opened the box, she saw a smaller box surrounded by petals and Ferrero Rocher chocolate. There was another card with something romantic written on. She read it and opened the smaller box. She found more roses, more chocolate, another romantic card and another box. At that point, she knew what was going on I think. She opened the box to find the last box; it was small and was laying on a bed of roses. I was already on my knees when she opened it and I said "Raquel, will you marry me?". She gave me a tight hug and said yes! We haven't picked a date yet, but we're aiming for August 2009.

After all this excitement, nothing would make me sad, really. Not even chemo in the next morning, that hit me harder than the other two together. I vomited while I was doing it, I had a high fever and a sore throat when I got home, and I vomited some more. But I am 100% sure that I had a happier Christmas than most people. I am getting married! Screw you Cancer!

I will not bend. I will not break. And now I have an extra reason for that.

Day 27 - Good news?

I was scheduled to see my doctor here in Manaus. As I have said before, he is very competent... he lacks people skills, though. He is supposed to be the best doctor in town. But rude would be a good way to describe his personality. I can handle it, though. I have a beautiful girlfriend who calls me sweetie. If the doctor cures me, I don't care if he calls me douche bag, really.

Anyway, I told him I had gone to Sao Paulo for that fancy (and pretty expensive) Pet CT exam. His exact words were: "That was a wrong decision by the doctor there. At this point that exam is just not necessary and you are wasting your money". His explanation makes sense, though. If a regular CT scan showed the problem already, why go through the Pet CT? I am actually considering not going to Sao Paulo in January (I was supposed to have another Pet CT exam done).

The good news is that it seems like the tumor is smaller. He examined my neck and my shoulders and he said he could no longer feel any lumps. I can feel a tiny one on the left-hand side of my neck, though. In any case, it is pretty clear that this thing is getting smaller. We're all pretty happy about that.

Tonight we'll do early Christmas here at my house (I have chemo tomorrow). On that note, Merry Christmas to you and your families. Thank you so much for the positive thoughts and keep on reading.

I won't bend. I won't break.

Day 26 - Living Healthy

Instead of writing everyday, I will start writing whenever I have something interesting to say, really. The blog was becoming more of a burden than something that I enjoyed doing, which defeated the purpose, a little bit.

I have another chemo session in two days. I have been following quite closely a diet that a nutritionist put together for me. It's all about recovering my defenses and making sure I don't lose weight. The diet is super healthy; I need to intake 3300 cals a day and fat is pretty much not allowed (especially the bad kinds). I am also taking this suplement called FortiCare - it's made specially for cancer patients and it has all the vitamins I need. It's bloody expensive, but well worth it.

On top of eating well, I have been exercising frequently. Nothing too intense, though... just a 30-minute run and some jiu-jitsu on Satudays with my brother (who just got his black belt). I am feeling really healthy. That is pretty weird when you know you have cancer.

I am hoping all this relentless effort to heal my body from chemo will pay off. Hopefully I will feel better after this session. In case I don't, here's what I will be thinking: "If you're so healthy and this chemo hit you so bad, imagine what it's doing to Cancer!".

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 16 - Chemo hit harder

It seems that I lied on my last post as I didn't write anything else from the hospital. I spent the whole morning replying to emails and I didn't feel like stairing at a computer after that. Besides, there wasn't a whole lot to talk about anyway. The day went by pretty fast, I went home and slept early.

I felt fine, just like after the first chemo. But I could see the chemo effects for the first time. All the medicine went in through an IV on my left arm. On that arm, there is a thick vein that runs on top of my biceps that can be seen quite easily; that vein was all red - it just did not look healthy at all. That does show how heavy (and toxic) the drugs are.

The side effects didn't stop there. I felt dizzy pretty much all day. After eating some pineapple in the end of the afternoon, I vomited. That made angry for some reason. Maybe I got cocky and thought I could go through Cancer without feeling much. It turns out that I can't. It was a good reminder that I it won't be easy to beat this thing. But it was also a good test to my confidence. And that remains unchanged, I will beat this thing, it's just a matter of time. Sorry Cancer.

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 15 - Another Chemo

So today is the first day that I actually write on the present tense. At this exact moment I am doing Chemo at the hospital (gotta love wireless internet). I am taking the most toxic medicine of all and so far so good. I actually feel like doing some abs... just kidding. This post will be short as I will write more during the day.

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 14 - Working

First thing that the doctors said was to try to live normally. Well, since I have been all over the place, from doctor to doctor. So I haven't really been living normally.

So I finally went back to work. I missed doing something a little more productive, so it was a good change. I did promise myself not to work afterhours anymore, though (at least while I am fighting Cancer). So I left around 6pm and went home for a quick dinner.

After that, Raquel and I went back to our German classes, which we had been skipping since I we learned about my disease. We take an intensive private course, each class takes two hours. It's almost as fun as chemo! Just kidding, we have a pretty good teacher.

I had another chemo session the next day and I wasn't nearly as nervous as before. I guess I am learning...

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 13 - Running

Monday was a religous holiday in Brazil, so no work for me! I slept in a little bit then went out for lunch with my parents.

In the end of the afternoon Raquel, her sister, her brother-in-laws, her brother and I went for a run. I don't mean to brag, but I thought it was pretty funny that the Cancer kid (me) was leading the run. And yes, I did make fun of them for that. It was great to feel good while (and after) exercising. Fine, it was a short run (about 25 mins), but it did feel good.

Afterwards we went for a secret santa party a friend organized. Since the food wasn't particularly healthy, I had just a sandwich and tons of fruit salad. It was so hard to see all those chocolate cakes and not eat them. But it's for a good cause...

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 12 - The Diet

Sunday was a pretty chill day. At lunch time I went to Raquel's grandpa's birthday. They had made a Turtle (it is normal on this side of the world to eat turtles). Since I am on a bit of a healthy diet, I didn't eat much.

I have been following a bit of a diet, which essentially consists of healthy eating, cutting down the meat a little bit, avoiding chicked (except for organic), sugar, and all the industrialized stuff that we know kill us slowly. The reasoning for that is essentialy that book I read (see previous post), it gives some pretty good hints on what to eat. In addition, I went to a traditional medicine doctor here and he made some recommendations on what to eat. I would share that with you, but it's really geared towards stuff that we only find here and I wouldn't know how to translate the names. He also told me to drink 4 different types of tea, those will help my immune system recover. It's probably better that I don't give any nutrition hints anyway; afterall, I am no doctor. From what I have read, traditional medicine and good nutrition do work, they won't cure me on their own. But they are certainly a good weapon when combined with modern medicine.

The bottom line is that when you face Cancer, you want to do everything you can to fight it. To me, that includes being extremely healthy. I am sure the sacrifice will pay off.

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 11 - A word on fairness

I am not going to lie, I did think to myself "it is not fair!". I mean, I have always lived a reasonably healthy life, I have always been quite physically active, I have always eaten healthy food, and so on... I received a couple of emails from friends who said something like that, they complained it is not fair.

Now that I had time to think more about this, I no longer think about the fairness of having Cancer. For starters, it would just make me angry and take the focus away from my treatment. But the most important point is that shit happens and we're not immune to it, no matter how hard we try to avoid that. Sometimes bad things happen to us or to someone we love, that's life.

My condition sucks, but I have all the means to fight it, and I will not lower my guard. I am young, I am healthy, I have good doctors, and I am surrounded by people who love me. That indeed is unfair; it is unfair with all the people who don't have anything close to that.

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 10 - Re-apllying

My plans of going to Switzerland had to be postponed. So a friend of mine, who teaches at the local university, suggested I applied for a masters program here; that way I could do it while doing chemo.

Although I will still try to do a masters in Switzerland next September, I decided to apply for the program here. Since my degree hasn't been validated, I might not even get in, but I tried nonetheless. Why not, eh?

I guess my point is that I cannot let this disease put me down. I need to live my life normally and that implies working, going to school, or whatever floats my boat. As Rocky Balboa would say "life is not about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving". Cheesy as hell, I know. But it's also true.

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 9 - Back to Manaus

On Thursday I had to collect some more sperm for the Alpha Project; this name cracks me up, by the way (see earlier post). I will skip the detailed description this time. But keeping those buggers frozen is pretty damn expensive, I will tell you that.

My aunt (who I hadn't spoken to in like 10 years) was waiting me at the house I was staying; the same aunt who lost touch with the rest of the family. She brought her two kids (who are 12 and 9) and I had the opportunity to finally meet my cousins. And it's totally safe to say that I wouldn't have met them if I wasn't sick, nor would my aunt have gotten back in touch with the family. So, as I said before, not everything about Cancer is bad.

We spent the whole afternoon together and then she drove my dad and I to the airport. The flight was a little delayed (as usual in Brazil), but we got home safely. Raquel picked us up at the airport. Although it was nice in São Paulo, I missed home. It was good to be back.

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 8 - Good book

Yesterday I bought a book called Anticancer (that's the name in Portuguese), by David Serva-Schreiber. He's a doctor who was diagnosed with brain cancer and was told that he had no more than 8 months left. He pretty much changed his lifestyle but it was well worth it; he's still alive and well. His book is about the changes he had to go through.

Since I was in São Paulo and had nothing else to do, I read the book in a couple of days. It has some great tips about how to eat properly (and the actualy scientific explanation on its effectiveness against Cancer).

So yeah, it's a good book for someone who has Cancer or who's close to someone who has.

I will not bend. I will not break.

Day 7 - Sexy times

Ok, this one will be short and hopefully entertaining...

So I went in for freezing my sperm. The place was called The Alpha Project, which sort of sounds like this underground genetic project. They have an awesome office downtown São Paulo and the staff is quite friendly.

After going through the paperwork, they took me to the masturbation room, for the lack of a better term. It's pretty funny... they have a comfy couch in front of a TV, tons of erotic magazines and DVDs. They hand you this little cup and say "give 'er".

I found it a little bit embarrassing, in a funny way. I walked in the clinic with my dad, this 50 year old lady took me to the masturbation room, I spanked the monkey pretty good and finished in a little cup. Then I put the cup on a little window and rang the bell for the nurse to collect it. I left the room and my dad was waiting outside, the secretaries were working normally, I had this grin on my face. I just found the whole situation quite humorous.

As my aunt said to my mom, "You guys have such a fancy family. You took the kid all the way to São Paulo so he could jerk off!"

Day 6 - São Paulo

On Monday my dad and I flew to São Paulo. We arrived there around 11am and headed to my dad's friend's house. It's hard to explain how big that city is; no cab ride takes less than 30 minutes and costs lasts than 50 bucks.

The good thing about São Paulo is that it has top-notch services. I went to one of the best hospitals in South America (Albert Einstein Hostpital) to see a doctor about my condition. My dad's friend (whose house we stayed at) is one of the hospital's director, so he managed to arrange for us to see one of Brazil's top hematologists. We wanted to touch base with him to make sure that the treatment was pointing to the right direction. He is not only a great doctor, but a great person. He was very kind, comforting, and honest in the conversation we had. He essentially confirmed everything my doctor from Manaus had done and added a couple of things.

First thing he recommended was to perform an exam called Pet-CT. This exam will be used to monitor the disease. It's really funky. First, they inject some radioactive material in me, which highlights the areas of my body with high concentration of glucose. Since tumors consume lots of glucose, high concentrations indicate the presence of tumors. Then, they do a full-body computer tomography to map all the possible tumors. Pretty cool, I think.

The second thing the doctor recommended was for me to freeze my sperm, just in case the chemotherapy affects my reproductive system (not an expected side-effect, but a possible one). That way I can have babies in the future, in case my sperm count goes down dramatically. The doctor also ordered an independent analysis of my lymphonode biopsy and bone marrow biopsy, just to confirm the Hodgkin's disease diagnostic, which turned out to be accurate.

It was great to see how good the health infrastructure is here. More importantly, though, it was truly reassuring to see that, despite the simplicity of the hospitals in Manaus, the doctors that are doing the right thing.

Day 5 - Relaxing

On Sunday I didn't really do that much. I woke up late, watched some Premier League action in bed and headed to Raquel's grandparents' for lunch, who are very sweet. Food there is always delicious so it was hard for me to behave; I had no option but to go for a second serving and eating not healthy, It was stronger than me! Who am I kidding, I felt no guilt or whatsoever.

In the afternoon Raquel and I went home, she took a nap and I watched some soccer. Mom prepared a very nice dinner with salmon and everything (ok, west-coast snobs... salmon is sort of rare here!), this one was super healthy. After that we headed to a restaurant to meet up with a bunch of friends, just to organize our secret santa party.

After that I went home to pack for my trip to São Paulo. Dad and I went there to get a second opinion about my disease and treatment. Raquel kindly drove us to the airport around 1am, but the flight was delayed and didn't leave until 4am. Now I know what they mean by red-eye flight.

Sorry for the lack of exciting news or somehow inspiring messages... ;)

I won't bend. I won't break.

Day 4 - The (official) Birthday Party

Saturday was a fun day. I woke up late, had a nice lunch with my parents and my sweetheart and then headed to a friend's house. A bunched of us played soccer all day... on Playstation! At night all my friends came over to my place for the real birthday party (the one after the first chemo session was just a warm-up). Since I live in an apartment building with my parents, we had the party downstairs, in a large room they have there. It was really nice, we hired a buffet, we had live music and a bunch of people showed up.

Among the guests, we had a bunch of my parents' friends, including my doctor (who actually removed my stitches from the biopsy at the party). We also had a bunch of friends from highschool that I hadn't seen in ages. Everyone knew of my condition beforehand, though... which brings me to the point of this post.

Let me just tell you something that happened last week, I think it's very appropriate. My mom has 6 siblings and she gets along with them all, except for one: the youngest sister, who ended up loosing touch with the entire family for reasons not worth mentioning. She hadn't spoken to my mom in years; I don't even know any of her kids, my cousins (the oldest one is 15). However, as soon as she found out about my disease, she called my mom in tears. She also called everyone else in the family she had fought with, as an attempt to apologize and get back in touch.

My old friends didn't all show up for my birthday last year, but they did last week. My aunt hadn't spoken to most people on her family for ages, but she did last week. What was so special about last week? I believe my old friends and my aunt were terrified by the briefness of life and the possibility of my life being even briefer, in case I don't beat Cancer. That made them get back that urgency of living, of getting back in touch, of making up for the long family fight. And that is a beautiful side-effect of Cancer.

As a good friend of mine put on an email, "reminders of our own mortality can be good for life. It reminds us that no matter how long you last, life is brief". I hope that you don't need to go through a serious disease to feel that, I hope my story helps you feel that. Cancer has not only changed how I see life, but also, and much more importantly, how I will live my life from now on. And that I will never resent.

I will not bend and I will not break.