Day 98 - The glass is half full

I went through another chemo session a couple of days ago. As usual, the day went by almost in slow motion; that's just not good when you are at the hospital. I got there around 8:30 in the morning and my chemo didn't start until 11 ish. They were short staffed and things took longer than usual. As I mentioned before, my veins are in rough shape, so it was tricky for the nurses to get one.

Anyway, after hours of feeling ill and vomiting, the day slowly headed to an end. By the way, this time I didn't vomit any blood. I made sure I had food in my stomach during the day. Every time I vomited, I had one slice of bread and some water. Raquel and I left the hospital around 8pm. It was the longest day there so far.

I was pretty cold when I got home and took a long hot shower. After that, I went to bed and had a bit of a fever. I didn't want to eat or do anything other than staying in bed. That's when something odd happened: I vomited one last time and my fever was immediately gone. I stood up, washed my mouth and had a chicken breast sandwich. I felt just fine after that.

This was my 8th chemo session. I have another 8 to go. In the last 4 months I have been diagnosed with Cancer, treated and cured, not to mention that I got engaged. So it's impossible for me not to say that the glass is half full. But let me tell you, it's one damn huge glass. There's still a long way to go. The glass will be full soon, though. It's just a matter of time...

I won't bend. I won't break.

Day 84 - More chemo

Ok, it was no doubt much more comforting to go into chemo knowing that it's actually working (see last post). While I was at the hospital, I tried really hard not to vomit. I don't know why I do that...

During the whole day at the hospital, I only vomited 4 times. In comparison to some of the other chemo sessions, that is nothing. But I went through the whole day without eating or drinking anything. Not to mention that I was grumpy as hell, I don't think I said more than 10 senteces at all. I pretty much spent the whole day trying to hide from the smell of the hospital, from the smell of the hospital food and so on. I get pretty sensitive about how things smell and that often makes me vomit.

My strategy of hiding from the world worked. That's not a good thing though. When I got home my mom made some dinner. Guess what? I didn't even want to smell it. Needless to say that I didn't have dinner either. So around 10 pm I vomited for the last time that day. It was the first time I ever vomited blood. And it's not a pretty sight. So I got up, went to the kitchen and had a couple of bread slices with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I felt better right away. The bottom line? Eat while doing chemo. It doesn't matter if you're going to puke it or not. In the end, it's better to vomit food than stomach juices, which hurt your thrat.

That was my 7th chemo, I have 9 to go. I am almost half way there! With the news from the last post, it's much easier to think the glass is half full.

I won't bend. I won't break.

Day 77 - Happy Friday the 13th

This post is pretty ironic, if you are superstitious anyway. Remember how I got to spend my birthday and Christmas Eve day at the hospital? Although I was happy to be surrounded by the people who love me, I know that circumstances could be better. I mean, I could be surrounded by my family and Raquel in Bora Bora. It's undeniable that the latter would be more pleasant.

Anyway, if my last birthday and Christmas were spent in the hospital, what to expect from a Friday the 13th? Well, I did spend a good chunk of my day at the hospital. But I got some wonderful news. I had that PET CT exam done again. I have already explained what it does, but in a nutshell, it scans your whole body for tumors. The results came out...

I don't have cancer anymore.

There is a small possibility that the exam would give false negative results, so the doctor said that I still had to go through 10 chemo sessions, which sounds like a lot, I know. But it's just good to know that we're headed the right direction. I feel like my team is up 6-0 in the beginning of the third period and we have 5 minutes of 5-on-3 hockey to play. The game is certainly not over, but things are looking pretty good. Just don't say shutout just yet...

I won't bend. I won't break.

Day 70 - I don't get it... ok, maybe I do

I had another chemo this week. I was mentally ready to feel like hell. Well, although I did puke several times at the hospital, I felt pretty good during the day. And the recovery was without a doubt the best one so far. Given the brief history of feeling crappy after chemo, a quick recovery was certainly unexpected. Although I was pretty good with my diet lately, I think I know what I did different this time.

A friend of mine used to live in Belgium. Apparently they have a miracle water fountain there (I tried to google it, but I couldn't find any references to it). It is located somewhere that was often used as a battlefield during one of the great wars and miracles were witnessed there. Today they have a park there and people from all over the world go there to get some holy water. My friend tells that you can see wheelchairs and crutches that people left behind because they got cured.

Anyway, her brother, who still lives in Belgium, came to Brazil and brought a few bottles of this miracle water. A couple of them found their way into my kitchen. My friend told me to drink a glass of it a day while praying. Although I have never been famous for going to church, or even praying, I decided to give it a shot. So before my chemo, I had some of the water and I asked God for strength.

I arrived at the hospital and the nurse was setting me up to start my chemo. I was thinking about the whole holy water story and I repeated mentally my prayer. That was when I felt something: I felt shivers followed by a comforting warmththe over my entire body. After that, I somehow knew for sure that I was going to be fine during and after chemo. I am pretty sure I will never be able to explain that. Despite my skepticism towards church in general, I can't help feeling much closer to God after this experience.

I won't bend. I won't break.

Days 54,55 - Rough, pretty freaking rough

I would like to believe that chemo was much rougher this time because I didn't follow my diet, or because I didn't drink the teas that I had been drinking. But for some reason I know it had nothing to do with that. My body is just not liking the poison.

This time I started puking even before they started giving me the drugs. According to the head nurse, some people react that way, period. Just the smell of the hospital made me sick. So I vomited countless times, until I had nothing left in my stomach to throw up. On top of feeling pretty rough, I couldn't help to feel angry at myself. I was mad because my body was taking chemo that roughly.

The next day was also pretty rough. Although I didn't throw up (which I am not sure if it's good or bad), I felt pretty ill all day long. Well, I was still angry at myself. Then I had a good conversation with Raquel about that; she argued that it just doesn't make sense to be mad. I have no control over how well (or poorly) my body takes the drugs and I should try to keep my spirits high, instead of being pissed off.

So I will try my best to do that from now on. In the mean time, pissed off or not, I will not bend. I will not break.

Days 45 to 52 - Simple pleasures

I went to Rio for a week with Raquel and her family. It had nothing to do with exams or my condition. It was about relaxing and that's exactly what we did. We stayed at an apartment in Barra beach, literally 100 feet from the ocean. The view is pretty spectacular from there. Although the place we stayed sounds a little fancy (well, it was), this post is about the simple things we often take for granted, like riding waves.

During the whole week we hung out with my good friends from Canada Alyece, Erin and Elron. We did touristy stuff in Rio, some pretty cool, some sort of lame. But the good part was hanging out and catching up with them.

I have been following a pretty strict diet, hoping that it will help my body to fight the disease. Although it's for a greater good, eating healthy ALL the time is tiring, to say the least. So I decided to not follow the diet while I was in Rio. Lord, how I enjoyed that! There's this place called Outback (I think it's an Australian chain). They have some pretty kick-ass BBQ ribs (not the healthiest thing one can eat) - I always loved those and had been thinking about them for a while. It wasn't the best tasting meal I ever had (although it was pretty good), but I don't remember feeling so much pleasure during a meal.

The trip was really good. It was so good that I actually forgot that I am sick. I think that has to do with all those simple pleasures of life that I hadn't been able to feel, like eating, hanging out with friends, or going to the beach. I will no longer take those simple things for granted, that's for sure. And I am sure that will make me learn how to appreciate them even more. Try that with me, treasure the simple pleasures that life has to offer, I have the feeling that you'll be much happier.

I won't bend. I won't break.

Day 43 - Good Recovery from Chemo

After my first chemo, I was joking around with a buddy (Drew) saying that I had had hangovers worse than chemo. We even talked about making t-shirts with that line. Well, let's just say that no longer stands. 3 days ago I had another chemo session and it was not nice to me, to say the least.

The first 3 or 4 hours were definitely the worst. For starters, my veins are already in a bad shape. It's hard for the nurses to find them with the needles. Not too mention that my veins sometimes can't take the needles and the nurses need to try again somewhere else. Having said that, the nurse only found a suitable vein after 3 attempts.

Then they started giving me the roughest medicine, which is called decarbazine. It's pretty aggressive and apparently my body isn't tolerating it very well. As soon as they started injecting it in me I started vomiting. Since it takes like 3 hours for it to finish, I vomited a lot on Wednesday morning. By a lot I mean more than 10 times. There was simply nothing else for me to throw up, really.

The good news is that it was actually better to go through that little bit of hell. As soon as I was done with Decarbazine I stopped feeling ill and the aftermath was much better. I even had a full dinner when I got home after the hospital. The following days were good too. I felt pretty healthy. In fact, I am flying to Rio in a couple of days for a little vacation, should be fun.

Sorry Drew, I won't make a t-shirt saying "I've had hangovers worse than chemo". But I will probably make one saying "I won't bend. I won't break."